I can’t believe that I have been living and loving and getting hurt for two decades already and still I act as if things are new to me. And of course, no matter how long you have stayed alive so far, you can’t know everything for sure.
Still, I am trying to shake things up a bit. I am on my second day of getting things better for myself. I figured that I am not getting any younger and if I want to catapult myself into a happy future, I should do what should be done now, i.e., I should love myself more starting now.
I was pathetic. Or am pathetic. I know that. I may act like I know not everything but know a great deal of things, but inside, I am a fragile shell. I have friends and I am thankful for having them, but deep inside, I crave for more attention. I laugh, but deep in my heart, I always ask again and again if I am happy, and even for the sake of this post, I do not know how to answer it.
But after a heartfelt talk with a friend, I realized that I will not be able to change myself if I don’t start now. I can’t just wait for the moment to come and do what I want by that moment because it’s not like everything is going to happen the way I want it. Necessary steps must thus be performed at present to bear a future abundant of fruits ready for harvest.
So for starters, I made proper arrangements in an attempt to love myself more. I cleaned up my phonebook, saving only the real friends that I have and deleting everyone else who would not even notice me. I also stopped chatting at Facebook aside from talking to friends who treat me as their friend and for business purposes. I also stopped checking out on people from whom I am trying to get away. Checking on those people would only send pain to my heart, and I refuse to take it anymore. I would not talk to people who clearly do not want to talk to me. I would not beg for attention because I deserve to have that without having to beg, of course from the people from whom it is worth receiving.
I also ignore things in the virtual realm that would ruin my day, may it be boastful status or posts from people who seem to hate the world. I just don’t give a fuck anymore, especially those who do not affect me anyway.
I will also stop forcing people to understand my good intentions. It is more than one time that I experience telling stories to someone and end up being branded jealous or with them thinking that I do not see the goodness in things and that I am cynical and always have something to hate. That is not true, and I am tired of having to explain myself when I did not intend to do anything in the first place.
Lastly, I shall become a good boy. I will veer away to temptations of any kind and will do my best to do what is right in anything that comes my way. If I would like to be a good man in the future, starting now will be the best move because you don’t switch from bad to good any time you want it.
But then, it is just day 2. And still, I lack discipline. But I will try to change for the better. I am tired of feeling bad for myself, and it is high time I take a step into maturity.
Things around me are changing. People come and go. One moment you get along with people, the next minute, they ignore you like nothing happen. It hurts, but I think that the best way to deal with it is to accept it, go along with it, and change yourself too for the better.
Darn, this is so easy to say.